80 dnse

The best time to realise what you have is while you have it.

Taking this opportunity to pen down some thoughts while they are still fresh in my mind.

Dwight and I just came back from our virgin diving trip (more to come!) from Redang, Malaysia. Clearest water I've ever seen. Best part? Being there with my best friend, the other half.

And he loves the sea. Seeing how much he enjoyed this trip warms my heart so much that even though the underwater world intimidates me, knowing that as long as he is right beside me dismissed every fear I had. Seven dives! I never would have imagined.

Dwight held my hand throughout most part of the dives and without him tugging, the current would have possibly swept me away. Every part of me screamed when I felt that I wasn't moving every stroke or kick I made. The sudden cold in one part of the water when we swam from an area to another sends chill right to my bones. As much as it was challenging, pulling me while trying to maintain buoyancy, Dwight never failed to make sure I was okay and always grabbed me close.

That heartache though! It's these things so subtle yet significant enough to make my heart flutter once more. And those words you muttered that night.. about some plans a few years from now; I will never forget them even if forgetful was my first name.

One and a half years now. You've only made me more sure about you, about us. About what we have, about what we are going to be.

I am earnestly waiting for the day where our lives take one more step further; into parenthood. It's my wildest dream that I will be blessed with a family who grows together, just like how your family is. Up to this day I adored how your family connects with each other, something that nobody can come between. That's how I envisioned my own.

And you've showed me that it is possible, and that I'm going to have my wildest dream come true if all is well until then. It will be well, we assure ourselves!

I hope that you continue growing and expanding your horizons at work, or your own personal goals. I wish I can be a part of them all, if you allow me to. I know I don't really have a plan at my own career, but it is also in my wildest dream that I can be appreciated in a way where a spouse supports her military-significant-other in terms of keeping the house together, being there for the kids and our families at the times where your duty calls and you cannot be there. That's the kind of commitment I'm willing and would lovingly partake as much as the ladies my age trying to carve out their promising career paths. That just isn't me.

I want to just be your pillar of strength, be someone whom you seek solace, when things seem to get tough. You never once cried in front of me or asked for a shoulder to lean on, other than the one time in Vietnam, if you remember. Well, you covered your face so I didn't even get to see your teary eye.

I want to be someone useful to you in those terms. And I can only wish that will be enough for you.

You're my one-life stand.

79 TIAB

Dear Dwight,

Your love action definitely spoke louder than words. Sometimes people really do see things clearer outside of a relationship, which I have come to realise when it hit me that I was bothered by certain issues more than they should have.

Now that we've overcame uncomfortable past, it's honestly a tremendous feat to me because I'm (finally) feeling a nice, "right" kind of different since developing this bout of fear of trust. Eternally grateful that you are constantly reminding me in words and actions that I will be kept in your personal life for as long as it can take us, for letting me be the one.

I know exactly which ONE you are in my life and the best thing is that I have a lifetime to show you that.

xx

78

Ok help, i think i've stopped feeling.



Wait, .................

77 to be edited

12 July

There are several reasons i thought to myself about how i became who i am today.
I'm referring to my character and behaviour in general. At work with colleagues, or with friends i meet regularly and with my family.

First on the list would be laziness (it's something i'm extremely worried about b'cos i tend to choose the people or the matter i become lazy with, although it's not that i'm disregarding it as valuable)

Was i too pampered at home from when i was young? Not like i was showered with anything i want under the sun but truthfully i have never wanted too much of anything where someone couldn't afford (time/money) to give me.


31 July

I can't stop taking off from work. What the heck is going on?

76

Memories are wonderful things if you don't have to deal with the past. 

It is, really, a relief that that phase (could be the first of many to come, but I'm not afraid) in my life is officially a matter of bygones. I feel that the friendship is slowly but surely, taking a turn for the better. I'm not jaded now, to those who thought i appeared that way, haha. 

To a renewal of... perception in life!

p/s apt photo much? walking into the light with the antiques in the foreground all. i love vintage.

75

Reading past conversations we had dated couple of months back; I came to a realisation.

That l will never be genuinely happy being with you. We will never be genuinely happy together. 

74 New Lease

Time for some change.
No more "chill" or at least, spend the precious time on meaningful (i-did-a-lot-today-and-i-still-have-time-for-supper) activities that i can reflect on at the end of the day. Sort out thoughts, be calm, pray.

Few couple of weeks have been somewhat draining, more emotionally/spiritually. I could sense it because my body actually reacts to these things; i feel sleepy all the time, wake up with no appetite for food even though i try to tell myself i need to eat and have proper meals. been like that since two years ago, painful memories
On a brighter note, things may have only been that bad to remind me of the greater opportunities that are to come, or already here (!!!), to continue shaping my personality, my perspective to issues in life and everywhere else.

Will pen down thoughts again, soon.